I Couldn't Get Off The Couch

Work.Eat.Couch.Sleep.Repeat.

For 4 months, that was my cycle – I would get up for work, pick up fast food on my way home, sit on the left side of the couch for hours watching tv then eventually go to bed. Then wake up and do the same thing over again.

I was in a low place – never had been this low before. It wasn’t because of a break up – it wasn’t because of a death in the family – I was 100% depressed about the financial situation I had gotten myself into. I to this day do not remember what the exact trigger as how I ended up in that work.eat.couch.sleep cycle for months. Given that I live in Nebraska…. Yes, Black people do live here (ha!) and at the time of the tribulation for me it was the winter time so it was not uncommon for people to go home right after work – heck its negative degrees outside, no one is hanging out.

Each day I knew I had to:

• make it through talking to a few friends/coworkers,

• talk to my parents – then after that – I was in the clear for my nightly couch session of depression.

I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel when it came to my finances. I was embarrassed, ashamed – Here I am an educated woman, I have an MBA in Finance for goodness sake, good job, yet I have 10s of thousands in credit card debt. It was heavy and I felt shameful every time I was around people – like it was my big dark secret. All I could think about when I looked in the mirror each morning was:

"I am a failure."

My depression hit a very low point for me one day and the thought came into my head – “I should just end it all – at least this way if I am not here anymore I will not be in debt anymore.” I actually started calculating out how much money I had in my life insurance policies so that if I did happen to commit suicide would my family come out ok…. I told you I was a Finance major – I had to make sure the numbers worked out right. And in the moment, I was crunching numbers they didn’t add up… I didn’t have enough money “to cover” my debts so I thought to myself - “even in death I can’t pay this off – I wouldn’t want to burden my family with extra debt.” I was at an all-time low now. I wanted it all to be over – I didn’t want another call from a creditor – another reminder that I have no idea how to get out of this hole but I kept replaying a phrase in my head my Dad told me as a teenager –

“Lauren in everything you do with your decisions, never do anything that would break your mothers heart.” And as her only child – I knew if I did anything to harm myself, I would break her heart into a million pieces.

I instantly started crying and cried out to God “PLEASE HELP ME – I don’t want to be in this place anymore – I don’t want my life just to be on this couch! I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE! I NEED YOUR HELP.”

I cried myself to sleep that night and ended up sleeping on the couch. With no hope inside I went to work.

I continued my routine home that evening picking up some food but when I walked into my house – I heard a voice say –

“No Lauren, sit on the right side of the couch.”

And my brain was like what?? The right side?? It may mean nothing much to you – but in that moment, God showed me that my life was not going to end up on this couch. He was moving me. Even though it was just to the other side of the couch, he knew I was fragile – and a major shift change would take time for me to build back up to that level.

Then, the next change – which I say to this day helped save my life – was when my co-worker/friend at the time asked me to come volunteer with his soccer organization. It was simple – show up for 2-3 nights a week and be there for the students. For the record, I have never played soccer in my life lol but that opportunity helped me in ways I don’t think they will ever know. I celebrated each night I wouldn’t come home right away – the volunteering took me out of that cycle and back into a normal day-to-day pattern for me.

God placed it on my heart to write about this. Regardless of your belief in a higher power or not – I am just here to tell you it is not over. We have trials and tribulations – but as my Mom tells me over and over – “No storm lasts always”. I have had other days where I have been down – all of us do – but now 1) I acknowledge 2) I talk to friends 3) I know my resources if I need professional help and 4) move forward with each moment at a time. I do not try to overwhelm myself anymore.

I sat here and cried as I wrote this – and even had to take breaks at times because I don’t like to think about that dark place. Life can be heavy – each of us has a story, challenge or situation that makes you want to give up – don’t. You are here for a reason & purpose. This world needs you.

I don’t feel like there are enough avenues to be open about it and not feel shameful about making financial mistakes. This is why I started writing about this in my blog. Financial challenges happen. I am still rebuilding after years of bad debt… but I can say today I am much better off than I was – because I started 1) pushing back – debt doesn’t define me or you 2) opening up – and being honest with people around me on how I am and what I can/can’t afford and 3) valuing what is really important in life. I have been blessed to have a lot of people around me that I finally opened up to. It took me years to open up to those closest to me in ways I never thought I would – and I have to thank everyone who has given me so much love on this journey.

#mytruth #debtsucks #speakupla #myjourney